I was at ShopKo a few weeks ago with sons #2 and #3. As we walked past the end of one of the aisles, I saw something that caught my eye: self inflating whoopee cushions. Knowing son #1 the way I do, I just had to get one for him. Of course, I had to get one for son #2 as well. Then the fun began.
As I pushed the cart through the store, finishing my shopping, son #3 (who is 2 years old), discovered the joys of sitting down hard on a whoopee cushion. Just like the cushion, he and son #2 erupted--in fits of giggles. I got some interesting (and withering) glances from my fellow shoppers, as my sons persisted in making fart noises and laughing at my embarrassment. Granted, I brought it on myself for even putting the things in my cart, but still.
Speaking of flatulence...not even a week after the ShopKo incident, I was watching Animal Planet's "The Most Extreme." They were doing a show on the most disgusting things that animals (including humans) do. I was educated to the fact that human beings experience an average of 10 "messages from within" per day. That's 3.5 PINTS of gas per day, folks. (Cows are the worst producers of methane, by the way.) And if you want to increase your degree of nastiness, your diet should include beans, broccoli, cabbage, and onions.
Why is it that people are so troubled by these "messages from within"? Everyone does it, but few want to admit it publicly. Eddie Murphy makes boo-koo bucks from potty humor. The only benefit I ever got from flatulation was a means of comfort for son #2. At one point in his young life, he was afraid of monsters. So, using my expert parenting skills (you know--the special ones you have to use when you're thinking on your feet), I told him that there were no monsters in our house because monsters don't like farts or burps, and every time anyone in our house did that, the monsters would run away. And since farting and burping happen a lot in a house with three boys and a grown man (all right--and a grown woman as well), he had nothing to worry about.
Hey--don't laugh. It worked. For weeks after that, anytime anyone expressed a message from within, son #2 would let us know that we had just cleared the house of monsters. (Of course, if my husband has been eating Mexican food, he can clear the house of people as well.)
So here's to messages from within. May your 3.5 pints of gas per day clear your house of all monsters and menaces, and may you always come off smelling like a rose!