Saturday, March 04, 2006

When What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear...

Last month I traveled to Salt Lake City with some sisters in my ward to attend the new Legacy Theater movie about Joseph Smith. It was a nice drive, and the movie was very well done. We drove home on a spiritual high, discussing various aspects of the film. Then I saw it.

The truck in front of us had some strange appendages attached to the trailer hitch. I couldn't figure out what they were or the purpose they might serve, but I turned to Lorien, who was driving, and pointed it out.

"Does that look like what I think it is?"

"Where?"

"That truck there. It looks like it has a package on the trailer hitch."

Sure enough: someone had masculated their truck with what appeared to be metallic testicles. Now I can understand the whole fuzzy dice from the mirror, hula dancers on the dash board, and even the peeing Calvin sticker, but a fake scrotum? Puh-lease! It's bad enough when men put risers in their truck or buy really big pickups to assert their manhood, but must we put male body parts on the bumper?

I suppose it correlates somehow with that whole bra thing that used to be popular on cars. (Maybe it still is popular, but I wouldn't know--cars are colors to me.) At least the bra is merely an item of clothing, although an intimate piece of apparel at that. Perhaps I should seek out this truck and put a jock strap on it. I mean, this person is obviously seeking approval & support for something. No need to put the family jewels in jeopardy on a road with all those aggressive drivers asserting their manhood, right? Maybe a cup would be a better idea....

16 comments:

elasticwaistbandlady said...

This one made me smile, and I'm happy to report that truck testes is not a phenomenon relegated to Utah, I've seen at least three around here too. In Texas we also have lots of trucks with gun racks mounted on their rear windows....holding umbrellas. This new testicle rage (must be the testerone, hehe) is as tacky as those fake bullet hole stickers. Why do people put these things on their vehicles? Is it to look more gangsta?

Personally, I think that the next time you see an 'endowed' truck, you need to castrate it!

compulsive writer said...

Tee hee! I'm so sad I missed that. I think it would be funny to "stuff" the next bra we see. Oh, and I agree with elastic about castration. Although I think just the act of hanging your jewels from bumper is emasculating enough. And I wonder...does the guy ever let his girlfriend drive? Would she?

Lyle said...

I could apologize on behalf of this species of men, if these primates could be classified as men. As such, I won't.

I believe that some people get stuck in perpetual junior high and never pass go as it were. These are the ones that have to engender their trucks, pound on their chest "Me Tarzan. You Jane" or just plain suffer from Lord Farquaad syndrome.

Compulsive- I would certainly get a kick out of seeing the "girlfriend" driving an endowed truck.

Julie said...

elastic: Glad I brought a smile to your face with this one. I hate those fake bullet-hole stickers! I think the fake golf-ball-in-the-windshield things are just as bad. I have yet to see the umbrella rack here in Utah, though. I'll have to watch for that one. Maybe I'll visit my brother in TX just to see one.

compulsive: Do you think the owner of the Porsche whose bra we suff will appreciate the corners on the tissue box? Personally, I'd die first before driving a bejewelled truck.

lyle: Great Shrek reference. I actually thought of Lord Farquaad as I wrote this blog, but I was too tired when I was writing to try pulling from my sluggish brain that line from the movie about compensating for something.

wendysue said...

NO, no, no, I've seen this too. . .Matt said one day as we were driving "Wendy, I think that truck has balls. . ." Maybe we need to ask some mechanically/truck-inclinced person if there's actually a reason for this. . anyone. .anyone. . Bueller?

Lorien said...

Ahem? I believe you have your story a little mixed up. I'm quite sure that I was the one to point out the package to you. You know, I have an eye for this sort of thing. I just wish we'd had someone in our car who would have been a little more offended as I passed the truck to get a better look. That would have made it much more fun. My mother-in-law, perhaps? Someone from your family? Maybe a leader from your current organization?

Julie said...

Ahem. Sorry, Lorien. I couldn't remember exactly who spotted the truck first, so I had to improvise. Besides, it was late at night when I wrote this blog, and I can't guarantee accuracy when my brain is tired. You can forgive me, though, since I don't give...great birthday cards to just anyone. ;-)

As far as anyone being offended, I heard through the grapevine that at least one person in the car was, but I won't name any names.

compulsive writer said...

Can you give out initials?????

elasticwaistbandlady said...

It may be cliche but true, you never forget the first time you see a pair of balls.

The ones that I've seen though seem to be like tennis ball size wrapped in a pantyhose looking bag around the trailer hitch. Does that mean that Texas trucks are lacking Balls Of Steel like their Utah counterparts?

Lorien said...

offended because of the dangly parts, or offended because we laughed?

Gia said...

I love that you said "spiritual high" and "scrotum", in the same post. You have just made my night. I'm giggling like I'm in grade 4.
:P

lisa v. clark said...

Lorien, I don't think you should be bragging that you have "an eye for this sort of thing," although it is one of the reasons I love you.

Pappy Yokum said...

Even in good ole Dogpatch, we have the decency to leave male parts in the pants. I have never quite understood the need to "show off" the manhood by decorating vehicles, houses, etc with items best left to cavemen. To me, a true man is someone that treats womanhood with all respect possible and knows when to bite his tongue.

btw Sister Pottymouth, just so you know, I am Lyle's brother. I am not nearly as gifted in writing as he is but I am a lot more intelligent. ;)

Lessel Peeper said...

I got a pair of those for my birthday a few years ago...maybe they'll find their way to Julie's van. :-)

White Man Retarded said...

In Texas they also have Confederate Flag Stickers and stupid quotes like " If you ain't redneck you ain't (poop)". So, does that mean rednecks are (poop)? That makes sense to me. I always like to drive next to these people and see what they look like! NASCAR lovin' wife beatin' hicks...

AzĂșcar said...

I am sad to report that this is not a new phenomenon.

I am equally sad to report that about four years ago I actually stumbled across a website that sold these, uhm, appendages, and you would not believe the variety of colors, patterns and materials in which they are available.

It's true, those images never leave your brain (sigh.)