'Til We Meet Again

I can't explain why I feel the tears so close to the surface today, but I suspect it has something to do with imagining the joyful reunion President Hinckley is having with his beloved Marjorie. What a great man.

An Essay in Existentialism (from my 2nd grader)

I've been meaning to post this since Thanksgiving but haven't until now. I hope you love it as much as I did--spelling and all.





The Death of Tom Turkey
by S--

Tom Turkey was getting quite fat. He new that Thanksgiving was comeing and that was the day they where planning to kill him. They also wanted his five red fethers and his ten orange fethers and his fifteen green fethers too. They wanted all his pretty fethers. He had a plan also. His plan was to peer throu the window right that day and see when the day before he would get killd so he could clime up on the tree and jump over the fence. So he went over to the window and all the sudden out of nowere a mashene gun shot him and paintball gun shot him dead and that was the end of Tom Terkey.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Names...

When my brother and his wife and kids read about this experience, and since their family missed out on the fun, they decided to join in the game. On Christmas Eve, they gave me the following note:


We heard about your naming dilemma, and we were feeling a little left out. So we thought of a few names that we are sure you will like equally well. We even alphabetized them for easy reference.

Aphrodite

Brunhilde

Clarabelle

Dorcas, Drusilla

Ernestine

Fredrica

Grizelda

Hepzibah

Imelda

Jezebel

Karma

Ladybird, Lulu

Magnolia, Miep (see Anne Frank)

Nessie

Odette

Permalua

Queenie

Rumisarah

Sheba

Tallulah

Ursula

Velma

Wilhelmina

Xena

Yolanda

Zarathustra



Love, K--, S--, B--, E--, A--, D--



Thanks, guys. I'm still laughing.

Any ideas?

Phil and I have a work party to go to in a week. We have to bring 2 gifts, $25 each, of the "nice" White Elephant type. I'm not very good at coming up with ideas, so I'm appealing to you, dear readers, for help.




What's your best idea for a funny yet useful White Elephant gift?

Lunch for Today

Courtesy of Azúcar. I didn't get to meet all of those who were there (opposite ends of the long table and all that), and many escaped before I got pictures, but here's proof that I actually showed up:




What a lovely group of ladies. Thanks for the invite, Azúcar!

Hazmat Haircut

Remember this?

T--, the 2-year-old in the story, is now four. He still hates haircuts. Phil, ever mindful of the missionary skill of resolving concerns, came up with the solution.


T--'s concerns: 1. He hates it when the hair falls in his eyes, and 2. He hates hair in his mouth.


Of course, I figured if he'd just calm down and not scream both problems would be solved. My resolution hasn't yet worked. Apparently, success means having the ability to relax during torture.



But if you give a man/kid the right tools, he can do anything. This last haircut, we had the best haircutting experience ever in T--'s lifetime. Don't believe me? Here's proof:










Give the kid goggles and a face mask and he can survive the worst torture his mother can dream up. Do you think we're prepared for a nuclear attack?

What's in a name?

Apparently, a lot--but only if you're a girl.


When I was pregnant with my sons, we would get the "have you picked a name" question as soon as people found out we were having a boy. Except for A--, whose name we picked out within a week of finding out he wasn't a girl, the other two didn't have names until about 2 weeks before they were born. When we told people that we didn't have a name picked out quite yet, they would respond with something like, "Oh, okay." Nothing else.


The responses have changed dramatically this time.


I should have clued in at Thanksgiving when we told my family (at least those who didn't check their e-mail) that we were, indeed, having a girl.



"So, have you picked a name yet?"

"Well, nothing's set in stone yet. We have one we've liked for a long time, but we're not positive that we'll use it."



I should have just said, "Yes, and we're not telling."



We were suddenly inundated with a flood of girl names. I didn't like even one. Each time I said, "Ummm, I don't think that one would work," we'd get even more. It was like some contest to come up with something bigger, better, trendier--we have to name this child NOW, before the pumpkin pie is served! Her parents are obviously incapable of coming up with a suitable name, so we MUST take over!

I couldn't believe it. My family has never weighed in so heavily on a name.



Now, I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to picking names. The cutesy, trendy, McWhatsit type of names are just not for me. And we have to be careful with our last name, something I assumed my siblings were cognizant of. (We can't use Rob, Robert, Robin, or anything that is synonymous or that could be derived into something synonymous with thievery or dishonesty. If you know my last name, you'll understand why.) So when one brother suggested Maya, I couldn't believe it. Maya? Am-I-a (insert our last name here)? No. Absolutely not. Then we got trendy name after trendy name after trendy name. I had no idea my siblings were so into pop culture names. When I tried to stem the flow by hesitantly suggesting the name we've had picked out for a girl since we knew A-- was coming, we got a stony silence, followed by more suggestions. (sigh) I know that girls are a rarity in my family, so I could chalk it up to the novelty, but my hell. If you like these names so much, use them for yourselves or save them for your grandchildren!



I thought perhaps this was an isolated incident.

Not so. I mentioned to a girl who used to be one of my Young Women, who asked the name question, that we sort of had a name but nothing certain yet, and she did it too, along with more than one of my current Young Women. Granted, the names they were suggesting were somewhat more in line with my traditional taste, but my goodness! I never once got suggestions for names when I was expecting my boys.





Isn't the naming of a child sort of a personal thing? A right reserved for the parents? I never give suggestions for names unless I am asked specifically to do so, and then I usually loan out my favorite baby name books. But when people find out I'm having a girl after three boys, I get suggestions I never asked for. (Granted, not everyone has responded that way. But I'm shocked at how many people have.)


Perhaps I should come up with a really awful name to tell them and watch the shocked expressions on their faces. Maybe that would stem the flow. I know! I could resort to the name we joked about giving one of our boys.....





Jack Ashby
(It's almost as good as Jack Schitt.)

Random things overheard at my house

When S-- saw the printed ultrasound picture of the baby's spine (he didn't attend the ultrasound with the rest of us), he said:

"It looks like a lizard.....Are we having a lizard?!?!?"




At random times during the day, especially if he is displeased with one of us, T-- will declare, pointing his little finger forcibly at the offender:

"You're FIRED!"

I have no idea where he heard it or how he knows to use it so appropriately, but it sounds awfully funny coming from a four-year-old. (And if I comb his hair just right, he has that Trump do to go with it.)




The night before the ultrasound, as we were getting ready for bed, I mentioned to Phil that it was a good thing we'd left the boys' alarm clock on since it would get them up and ready to leave right when we needed to.

Me: "If they're already up and going, it won't be a problem to be out the door by 8:30."

Phil: "Why would we need to be out the door by 8:30?"

Me (looking incredulously at him, trying to decide if he was teasing and realizing he wasn't): "Are you SERIOUS?!?!?"

Phil: "Huh? ........ OH. Yeah. I forgot about that."

I nearly threw my wet washcloth at him.

I'm Thinkin'

PINK!!!!!

Just when I thought I knew everything about him...

Phil came home and told me he'd gone shoe shopping the other day. With a male coworker. For stilettos.






I'm not kidding.







They were testing some flooring products at work and decided to check durability when put to the stiletto test. What's an engineer (in touch with his sensitive side) to do? Go buy stilettos, of course.




Where?



ShopKo. Rich remembered that his wife mentioned a shoe sale going on at ShopKo.






Picture this: two engineers going stiletto shopping. Can you wrap your mind around the idea? (Neither could I, frankly. I'm still in shock. Phil had me weeping with mirth as he told the story.)





I asked Phil, "Didn't you feel uncomfortable at all?"





"No. Not at all."

(That's my guy, I'm tellin' you. He's a total stud.)



When Phil and Rich first arrived, the aisle was empty. This didn't last long. All at once, a whole group of ladies descended on the very aisle that they were shopping in. The women never left. (Can you blame them? How often do you see something like this happening in Utah?)



I would pay good money to have heard their thoughts as they witnessed the conversation:


"Hey, Rich! These black ones look really sexy. Try them on!"

"Great. Do they come in pink?"


He slips them on over his white sports socks and takes a few steps. (Are you picturing this yet?)


"Oh, dang. They're just a little too small. Check for a bigger size, would ya Phil?"

"Got it."



At one point, the sales person came to check on them. (Again, I'd pay through the nose to know exactly what she was thinking.)



"Can I help you find something?"


"No, thanks. We're good."





Yeah, I bet they were.

Um.... what was that again?

So last Friday I went in to my doctor's office to have some lab work done.



(Yes, that means what you think it means. 17 weeks, April 4th. Thank you.)



Before I made the drive out there, I called to make sure there weren't any special instructions and to make sure the lab was open. The receptionist, whose English was not so good, answered my question this way:

"The glucose test? Yes, you come fasting."

"No, it's the quadruple screening, not the glucose test."

"Yes, the glucose test?"

"No. The quadruple screening test."

"Yes. The glucose test."

"No. The quad screen."

"Hold on please." (no kidding)

I was transferred to the lab technician, who (thankfully) knew exactly what I was talking about. She answered my questions and recommended that I call my insurance company to make sure they would cover the cost of the test.



Phone call to the insurance company followed thus:

"Hi. My doctor has me scheduled to have the quadruple screen done today, and I want to make sure it's a covered procedure. I have the billing number right here."

"Thank you. I'll check on that for you. One moment please."

(hold music.......)

"Ma'am? Thanks for holding. My computer shows that this is a test done during pregnancy and that it is covered, as long as you are not doing it for cosmetic reasons."

(silence) "Um... excuse me?"

"The test is covered as long as it's not for cosmetic reasons."

(laughing) "Uh, yeah. Okay. I got pregnant for cosmetic reasons. That's a good one."

(no laughing--at all) "Yes, ma'am. The test is covered as long as it is not performed for cosmetic reasons."

"Uh, okay. Thanks for your help."







I thought maybe my sense of the comedic was flawed, until I told the lab tech who did the blood draw. She nearly snorted the entire contents of her sinuses while she poked my arm.

(So my timing needs a little work. What can I say?)

It's Just How They Come

I had my three sons in the car with me the other day. It makes for a great captive audience and some pretty interesting conversations, as follows:

Me: So, A--. About this birthday party you have tomorrow. Are you the only boy invited?

A--: Yeah.

Me: Does that embarrass you at all? Won't it be awkward?

A--: No, not really.

S-- (interrupting from the back): You know what's embarrassing, Mom? Going to a birthday party at Build-a-Bear and being the only boy there! Talk about embarrassing! (dramatic sigh accompanies this statement)

[Editor's note: S--'s best friend is a girl. He went to her birthday party in June and was the only boy invited.]

Me (pretending to be exasperated): What am I going to do with you S-- boys? You and all your girlfriends....sheesh! I'm going to have to beat them off with a stick!

A-- (getting defensive as only 11-year-olds can): What's the matter with having girlfriends?


Me (laughing): Nothing at all, son. Nothing at all.

I hope T-- was listening carefully.




Sixteen is going to be sooooo much fun at my house. I can tell already.

Contracts and Apologies

Some of you know my oldest son, A. He's a very, VERY bright boy with a strong personality (to put it lightly). Unfortunately for him, he comes from two families with genetic tendencies to have very bad teeth. He did not inherit my teeth: I never had to have braces and all four wisdom teeth came in straight with plenty of room...yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

So when the dentist showed me the x-rays of A's teeth, even I could tell where things were headed. Visions of what all that money could buy went flying out of my head to be replaced with visions of silver wires and retainers. A's visions were completely different. He could see no reason why he should get braces.

"I'm okay with how my teeth look. I don't care if they're crooked. I don't want braces."

Knowing A the way we do, we knew that if he felt pressured into getting braces, he'd never cooperate with the orthodontist and would put us through years of guilt. ("I never wanted braces. You made me get them. You never listen to what I want.") We also knew that if he didn't get braces now and wanted them later on, we would be the ones who would get blamed for his decision. ("It's your fault I didn't get braces. You should have made me get them when I was younger.") The kid is a natural lawyer and can debate with the best. We knew we'd lose.

Solution? We drew up a contract and had A sign it with me and his orthodontist as witnesses.




I'm serious.




Here it is:

I, the undersigned, A. A. S., hereby declare that I have had the benefits and drawbacks of getting braces, as well as the benefits and drawbacks of not getting braces, explained to me fully. I further declare that I fully understand the ramifications of my decision either way.

I declare that, should I choose to get braces at this time, I will strictly follow the care regimen prescribed by my orthodontist to the best of my abilities. My parents will cover any costs incurred if I choose to get braces at this time. I further declare that, should I decide not to get braces, I accept full responsibility for that decision and will not blame my parents at a future time for not making me get braces. I will cover any costs incurred if I choose to get braces at a later date.

I understand that my decision is final and do hereby indicate my decision below by signing the appropriate line.

I have decided to get braces: _____________ Date: _________

I have decided not to get braces: __________ Date: _________


Witnesses: __________________________ Date: _________

__________________________ Date: _________


I know, I'm not a lawyer and any good one would probably see plenty of loopholes, but it was the best I could do. And it worked. A will be getting a tinsel mouth in 2 weeks and his orthodontist was so impressed by the contract that he asked for a copy.


Just so you know that A isn't all about debate and control, let me tell you what he did on Sunday.

We spent Sunday afternoon at my parents' house. Except for the brother who lives in Texas, all my siblings were there, so we had a lot of grownups and kids around. The nieces and nephews in the family range in age from 20 on down to 3.

A (11), along with two other cousins close to his age (S & D), went outside to play with D's soccer ball. Eventually, they were joined by my brother (who is huge and bald), his wife, and three of his children (ages 14, 17, and 20), all of whom decided to play on a team with my S (7) against A, cousin S, and D. My little T (3) came out during the "game" to play with his big brothers, although he was mostly just watching. (Keep in mind the age and size differences between the two "teams.")

In the course of the game, several things happened. First, the Big People's Team started playing very aggressively and were ignoring the rules set up by the Smaller People's Team, who was out there first and had the right to set up the game the way they wanted it. Second, T got hit in the face by the soccer ball (by accident). Third, the Smaller People's Team decided they didn't like the roughness of the game and chose to take their ball inside and play board games rather than play against people twice their size.

To make a very long story short, A was accused of several things, including smart mouthing the adults on the Big People's team over the accident involving T's face and the soccer ball. (No, T wasn't seriously hurt.) The adult accusing him was absolutely furious. I tried to get said adult to talk things over with A, with me present, but the adult refused and left before I could get A in the room to discuss what happened.

Here's the thing. Once I pieced together what happened by talking to A, my S, cousin S, and D, I realized that A had done nothing wrong. Regardless of what happened or who was at fault, an adult had stormed away feeling like A had been disrespectful. So I had to make A call and apologize later that night.

It was absolute torture to him. The thing he values most is being Right, and to have to admit a mistake (especially when he wasn't "in the wrong") was pure hell for him. I dialed the number and had A say, "I'm sorry I was disrespectful to you this afternoon." He nearly broke down. I got choked up too because, in spite of all his efforts to come across as rough and tough, my A is really a softy down inside.


It makes a mom proud.

The BEST Momsong EVER

I've seen the second half of this song, but thanks to my dear cousin, I now have the whole thing. I absolutely love it! I wish I could talk that fast.

Stooopid Product and a Recipe

Stainless-Steel Knorks

The convenience of a fork and the function of a knife in one simple and safe utensil! Set of 2 durable, stainless-steel knorks feature a 4-pronged fork with a built-in knife on the side. Great for everyday use or for travel, and offers a safe alternative to knives for young children! Dishwasher safe. $12.98

Does anyone see any problems with this?

I already use the side of my fork as a knife if the food is tender enough.

Why would I want "a built-in knife on the side"? Won't I cut my tongue on it?

How can putting a knife in your mouth be "a safe alternative....for young children"?

I'm just sayin.'

And because Pflower's husband and the G-man requested it, here's the recipe for the "freakin' amazing" potato salad (their words, not mine), exactly as I made it (happy now, Lo?). You could eat it with a knork.

Potato Salad

9-12 medium sized, new red potatoes, peeled, cubed, and boiled just until tender (about 30 minutes, but check them at 20)
9 eggs, hard-boiled, chopped
2-3 tablespoons of onion powder (because I can't eat raw onions)
3/4 C dill pickle relish
3 tsp salt
3/8 tsp pepper
1 C light mayonnaise
2 1/4 C prepared Ranch dressing (I used Kraft Buttermilk Ranch)
3 tablespoons prepared mustard
Real bacon bits (about 3/4 cup, I think--just eyeball it until it looks good)

While the eggs are boiling, start peeling and cubing the potatoes. Put them in a large stock pot. Cover the potatoes with water (about an inch over the top of the potatoes) and put on to boil. By the time you finish with the potatoes, the eggs should be done.

While the potatoes cook, peel the eggs and chop them up into a large bowl. Add the remaining ingredients.

When the potatoes are tender (but not mushy--don't overcook them), drain the water and add them to the rest of the ingredients while they are still hot. Warm potatoes absorb the flavor of the dressing better.

Mix all the ingredients thoroughly. Cover and refrigerate until serving time (the longer the better).

NOTE: You could add 3 small onions or 18 green onions, chopped, if you prefer real onions to onion powder. If you like the crunch of celery in potato salad (and I don't), you can add 6 stalks of celery, chopped. (Of course, if you do either of these things, it won't be exactly the same way I made it the other night.)

The Stuff of Nightmares

This is a true story. It happened to some friends of ours. (I have removed the names in order to protect the guilty parties, but I have left the story exactly as it was told to us.)

Saturday morning, Young Daughter comes up to her mother and says:

"I heard a funny noise in your room this morning. I couldn't hear it very well so I put my ear up to your door so I could hear it better. It sounded like EEEE eee EEEE eee EEEE eee EEEE eee EEEE eee EEEE eee EEEE eee EEEE. What was making that noise?"

Mother told her maybe it was a mouse.

Better set a bigger mousetrap.

Etymology

At Sunday dinner tonight, my brother was telling A-- that he needed a haircut.

"You're starting to look like a hippie." (This from the brother who shaves his head and grows a goatee just so he can look intimidating.)

S-- asks, "What does 'hippie' mean? ......."













"Is it short for 'hypocrite'?"





Ah, my child. Wisdom beyond your years....

A walk down memory lane

Remember this?

Well, this is a video demonstrating the strength of the fence that Phil helped design. No wonder Phil fought it and lost....



My sweetie, the mighty plastic moldsman/engineer! Too bad he wasn't part of the film.

Here Comes the Sun

Or should I say son?

My eldest is having one of those days today. He dawdled until the last possible second this morning before finally getting ready for school; he came home and lounged around watching TV and bugging his brothers after school instead of doing his jobs; and he fiddlefarted around in his room instead of getting ready for bed. When he came out to get on the computer and discovered that his user is disabled, he began his conniption fit.

"Why can't I get on the computer? S-- was just on the computer."

"As I explained earlier, you haven't cleaned your room, finished your homework, practiced your guitar, or completed your daily jobs. Until that's done, there will be no computer time."

"But S-- didn't get his practicing done today and you still let him on the computer."

"That was your dad's decision, not mine. If you have a problem with it, go talk to your dad."

(huffily) "Fine."

Instead of taking up the issue with Phil, A-- proceeds to turn on the TV while I'm brushing S--'s teeth. When I'm finished, I return to the living room, unplug the TV, and lock the plug in the lock box.

"WHAT???? I CAN STILL WATCH TV! YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT NO TV!"

"A--, that's been a rule since last year. If your jobs aren't done, you don't watch TV."

"BUT THAT WAS MYTHBUSTERS!"

"I know. That's really sad that you decided not to complete your jobs earlier. Now you'll have to miss it."

"BUT MOM, I HAVEN'T WATCHED TV FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS!!!!!"

"Don't even start with me on that one, A--. You've watched TV every day now for several weeks. All summer, in fact. Don't give me this garbage about not watching TV for weeks and weeks."

"BUT IT'S TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!!"

"Not even, son."

Now the little self-righteous tirade begins.

"You know, I think you're determined to do everything you possibly can to make my life miserable."

(I refuse to answer.)

"And you're not doing anything to persuade me otherwise."

(Still not speaking.)

"I don't want to talk to you ever again."

(Given his attitude at that moment, I was thinking that'd be nice.)

"You know, Mom, the scriptures say that 'men are that they might have joy.' Well, I'm not feeling any joy at the moment."

(Thinking, but not saying, "Yeah, buddy. The scriptures also say 'wickedness never was happiness.' Bite me.")

He decided to "punish me," I guess, by sulking in his bed. No loss on my part, I'm tellin' you. Put that attitude to bed and give it a rest.




In other news, scattered s#%t showers are still present in my neck of the woods, but the umbrella seems to be holding up. My dad is doing much better. The situation with Phil's mom is still up in the air. The family has a lot of tough decisions to make in a short time, but everyone is working together and making the best of things. The shocker situation is something we'll be dealing with for a while. All I can say about it is that it's one of those things you never, ever want to see happen in your family. However, I can see the Lord's hand in everything that has happened, past and present, preparing us to handle this storm. We will be fine.

Thanks to everyone for asking how we're doing and for checking in from time to time. It means a lot.

When it rains, it pours

I'm tired and empty.

Although the weather has been dry, this month has been full of storms for me and my family. Afer a month and a half of getting little to no sleep, my dad went in for back surgery to fix a pinched sciatic nerve. Surgery went well; he came home for a few days, only to go back again because his kidneys stopped working. (We got the call at Peef's house during the farewell party for Lucky. Nothing like that kind of phone call to put you in the party mood.) They flooded him with fluids, stopped several of his medications, and got everything going again. He's home again and doing fine.

Phil and several of his siblings had a "family meeting" of sorts with his mom and some geriatric specialists at LDS Hospital just after my dad went in for surgery. They got the lowdown on his mom's mental state, and it's not exactly rosy. We're probably looking at early stages of Alzheimer's. She's going to need a lot more help, and she's going to have to accept it from people besides just Phil's sister (who lives next door to her). There is talk of a care center. All of this brings back painful memories of both of my grandmothers, who had problems with dementia and lived with my family when they were having those problems. This will be a long, hard road for everyone.

The final storm was something that must remain confidential. Let's just say it was shocking, to say the least. However, the storm will not break us. It's just made life heavy for a while.

Forgive me if my comments are lacking in wit, wisdom, or sense. I find that I have been turning inward for several months now as if in preparation for this month. I know everything will be fine. We will weather the storms. But for now, I'm hunkering down and holding on.